Most people have an innate desire to be helpful and supportive, especially when someone we love and care about is having a difficult time. When a friend or family member has cancer, we instinctively want to do whatever we can to help. However, few people have caregiving experience and, despite our best intentions, helping someone living with cancer can get complicated.  Many of the challenges caregivers face result from not realizing that there is a big difference between helping someone and rescuing someone. Understanding the difference and engaging in helping behaviors can reduce tension and frustration not only for the caregiver, but also for our loved one.

Caregivers benefit from taking a step back to reflect on their feelings and needs. When a caregiver neglects their own needs and puts all their energy into only their caregiving tasks, a shift in the dynamic of the relationship can occur. An intense focus on trying to meet your loved one’s every need can give rise to rescuing behaviors without even realizing it is happening. Here are some things to reflect on:

• Do you assume that you know what your loved one is thinking or feeling instead of asking them?
• Do you tell your loved one what to do, rather than allowing them to generate decisions?
• Are you overprotective or do you force your way of doing things onto your loved one?
• Do you approach caregiving as a way of avoiding your own feelings of helplessness imposed by cancer?

There may be unintentional consequences that result from caregiving which is more like rescuing than helping. Your loved one may begin to feel like a ‘victim’ who has lost their sense of autonomy and control. When this happens, it is not unusual for them to begin feeling helpless, angry, and sad. Experiencing these types of feelings may compound what they are already dealing with as a result of living with cancer. Caregivers are often the recipients of their loved one’s anger and frustration, which can create even more tension.

Below are some helpful tips that support caregiving that focuses on Helping, rather than Rescuing:

Self-care is not an option; it is a must. Schedule time each day to relax, breathe, and recharge. Talk with others who you trust about your feelings. Consider joining a caregiver support group. Stay mentally and physically active. Physical exercise is key to managing stress and anxiety. Consider a morning or afternoon walk around your neighborhood each day or register for an online yoga class or exercise series. Focus your mind on new and helpful directions.Cancer Lifeline hosts several classes about mindfulness, meditation, and stress management. Your loved one wants you to take care of yourself and do things you enjoy because seeing you attend to your own needs helps them feel less of a ‘burden’ to you. On that same note, think about asking your loved ones for support when you need it, such as saying, “I could use a hug right now.”

Listen instead of problem-solving or trying to fix things. It is tempting to try to fix, or problem-solve situations for your loved one, but it doesn’t mean that you are not a good caregiver. Remember that cancer is not something you can fix. Your loved one’s thoughts and feelings are also not something you can change. What you can do is listen quietly and attentively to their concerns and feelings without interrupting them. Listening as your loved one puts words to what is cycling through their head is a powerful way to support them. There are times when simply the act of saying it aloud will be a way for them to come to their own conclusions and gain insight.

Empathize and validate rather than always comforting. Sometimes when we are trying to be comforting or cheerful, our words are a disconnect from what our loved one is feeling. Instead, try ‘joining’ with them by saying, ‘I can see how cancer has changed your life so much and I know it is tough to deal with.’

Ask what would feel helpful and supportive. It can be frustrating when you think you are doing something helpful only to find it is not going over very well. Save your time and energy by finding out just what your loved one would find helpful. If they don’t know, don’t pressure them. Simply ask that they let you know when they can put it into words. Remember too, that your loved one may be able to do more than you think they can, and rather than assuming they need help with something, ask how you can help if at all. Having the opportunity to do things for themselves is empowering and restores their sense of control.

Clarify what you think you are hearing. Whether you are talking about thoughts and feelings or more concrete tasks and activities, it is important to be sure that you fully understand what your loved one is trying to communicate. Try saying, ‘So what I think I hear you saying is_______. Is that accurate?’ or ‘Help me understand what you mean by________.’

Allow time and space for thoughts, emotions, and ideas to be verbalized. Not everything needs an immediate response and, quite often, if we spend some time thinking about what we want to say, we are more articulate and clearer in our responses. If you or your loved one doesn’t have the words right away, don’t rush the conversation; pick it back up at another time.

*Remember, Cancer Lifeline’s programs are free to Caregivers, too.

Access Cancer Lifeline’s presentations and classes (creative expression, exercise and movement, nutrition, and stress reduction). Visit the  Cancer Lifeline website or call the Lifeline: (800) 255-5505 or (206) 297-2500 (M-F 9am-5pm PST)

You can now participate in our support groups and classes online from the comfort of your home!