Living with cancer can challenge even our strongest relationships and create additional tension and stress in our conversations with caregivers, family, and friends. Thinking about our own needs and the needs of others can help clarify how we move forward in our relationships and support our own self-care. Preparing yourself for conversations can help in preventing you from feeling caught off guard. Below are some strategies to help you get yourself prepared.

Questions to ask yourself in advance:

What information do I want to share and not share with this person? This is a personal choice, and the answer may depend on who you are talking with.

Am I mentally and emotionally grounded and ready to talk with this person?

Put yourself in the best position possible to feel calm and in control of the conversation. Before the conversation, clear your head by taking a walk, deep breathing, yoga, etc.

What do I want from this conversation?

Spend some time thinking about how you want to feel and what you want to walk away from this conversation with.

Advocate for yourself:

Only share information you want to share! You can simply say, “I’d rather not say more about this right now.”

“If you find yourself “in” a conversation and you don’t want to be there, call for a time out…” “You know, I hear you want to talk right now about _____, but I’m not sure I am in a place to really listen and respond right now. How about we talk about this ______?”

Take back some control at your clinic visits. Let your health care providers know how and when you want information shared with you. Engage with your care team to become an active participant in this process.  Prepare yourself for clinic visits by making a list of your questions. Do not hesitate to ask for more information.  Ask permission to record the visit so you can re-listen to what has been said when you get home.

Manage offers of help from others. Think about who you want to do what for you. Decide what you really want to hold onto and what you can allow others to help with.  Accepting assistance will require turning over some control, so what can you live with if it’s not done exactly the same way you would do it? This is a very personal inventory and will be unique to each person. 

Having a challenging conversation:        

Set the expectation and tone…”I would like to talk about_____” or “I understand you would like to talk about_____, is that correct?”

Speak from your heart, not your head… “I feel (sad, uncomfortable, scared.)”

Ask for clarity…” talk some more about_____, I’m not sure I understand completely.”

Acknowledge and affirm what you are hearing…”so it sounds like you are feeling _____, do I have that right?”

If you are starting to feel (tension, anger, sadness) from the other person, call it out…” I can (feel, hear) your______.”

Ask for more clarity throughout the conversation-steer clear of making assumptions!

Remember…listening is as important as talking. 

Celebrate your resilience & strength:

Stop for a moment and reflect on how far you have come and what you have been able to do! We are often quick to see our shortcomings or challenges but not our strengths.  Write yourself a letter of admiration, create a collage, write a song or a poem…CELEBRATE YOU!!

Putting yourself in the ‘driver’s seat’ will help you HEAL and ENHANCE your relationships.