There are many factors that affect intimacy in our day to day lives, then when a cancer diagnosis, treatment and side effects is added, it can become more complicated-but hope is not lost! Intimacy is choice. Intimacy is power. Intimacy is connection. It is possible to maintain forms of intimacy through every stage of life. Communication is key! Talk with yourself and your partner about your desires, fears, changes, apprehensions, curiosities. There are many important components to effective communication. First, create the time and space for talking. Remove distractions, pick a time and place where there is not a pressure that you move from talk to action, let each other know that the intention is to talk about sex/intimacy and your relationship, so no one is surprised.

Suggestions to help with Communication:

Use “I” statements: This means add an I and lose the “you”. “I am feeling scared that penetration will be painful.” vs “I am afraid you will hurt me.”

Sandwich style feedback: “I like that we are exploring our desires. I would like more sensual touch throughout the day. Thank you for being my partner in this.” You’ll note that these are all positive phrased statements including a celebration, feedback/ask, followed by a gratitude.

Invitation to partnership: When talking with your partner about the relationship, use language that states “We” when asking for changes and care to be taken. Example: “I am realizing that I am missing our connection and I am asking that we build in more intentional touch.” This technique is about taking out what may translate as finger pointing and instead softens and invites the other person to come closer to you.

Other things to consider:

Don’t foreclose on yourself or your partner. If you are not partnered it can feel like intimacy is a concept that doesn’t apply. However, all humans need touch, care, connection, and compassion. Touch and care for your body, mind, and soul. Give yourself the love that you desire. If you are partnered, ask for and give space for each person to ask for what they want as well. Each of you will need to maintain your self-care routines and possibly explore new and different options. This is all part of maintaining intimacy with self which allows for deeper intimacy with others.

Don’t let go of the little things. Try hand holding, eye gazing, placing a hand on your person’s heart, breathing together, and snuggling. These are all imperative elements to intimacy.

Re-write the script. Some of our body parts may not be functioning the way they used to. Certain positions might be no longer comfortable, and we may feel self-conscious about our body and scars from surgery. Whatever it is, give yourself time to adjust. You can write whatever sexual script feels right for you. Write the new chapter with excitement and focus on curiosity and connection.

The biggest piece of advice that I can offer is to maintain curiosity, playfulness, tenderness, and care for yourself and each other. Give yourself time and adjust the sails along the way. There are enough crises to go around, the love and care for one another does not need to be included.

Shannon will be presenting on this topic for us in the Fall- Registration will be open soon.